My silence lately hasn’t been for lack of excitement. Carla’s post pretty much lays it out.
It’s great to see the scale go down. It’s great to look in the mirror and get a quick little “whoa” when you realize you look different. It’s great to be in a position where a week ago I was wondering if I’d ever get 360 in my rear-view mirror and now I’m within a couple of days of getting below the 350 milestone.
(This is a big deal for me. Outside of being the midpoint between three and four-hundred, it’s also is the upper limit of many of the balance-type scales in most of the doctor’s offices I’ve ever been too. I know they make ones that go higher, but my docs never seemed to use them. What I think all doctors should understand is that the shame of topping out the scale goes away after a couple of visits (and you only go when you have to anyway) and after that it becomes much easier to rationalize because you honestly don’t know how much you weigh. Could be 351, Could be 400. Now this doesn’t make the weight the fault of the cheap-ass physician who won’t cough up $199.95 for a scale that will honestly tell you your freaking weight, but they, of all people, know good and well that denial ain’t just a river in Egypt and the capacity for humans to bullshit themselves is unlimited. See Bush, GW, Election and Presidency of.)
As great as all the weight loss is, it’s not as good as what’s going on between my ears. (The voices don’t seem to echo so much. No. Wait. That’s not it…)
There. I said it.
I worked at home most of last week. I’m doing some programming that’s making me learn some stuff that I’ve more-or-less avoided because it wasn’t worth it to me to learn it until now. I realized that as much as I work in a ‘Dilbert’ cartoon, the team I’m a part of is really, really good. It’s nice to have the option to crank out code at home when I have to have few distractions, but also enjoy the folks I work with when I go in. A hard combination to beat.
And I have energy. I’m doing more housekeeping than I’ve done in years, and very possibly, ever. I’m getting into throwing shit away. I’ve never, ever, ever liked to throw shit away. I learned a lesson when Carla and I cleaned out Mom’s house when she went into assisted living: nostalgia comes at a big price when it comes time to clean things out. I didn’t have the energy to do anything with that lesson until now. My old desk was stacked up with crap from at least three years of neglect. I got up last Monday and cleared it off in less than an hour so I could set up my work laptop in there with an external monitor. Been routinely unloading the dishwasher. I remember that being an effortful activity. (Holy crap. How am I still alive if THAT was effort?) Need me to go to the store? No problem. I’m turning freaking domestic, and I don’t have a problem with that.
All that being said, approaching 350 is significant for another reason. It’s the only landmark I’ve focused on to this point. It’s terra incognita from here on out (did you know it was pronounced ter-ra in-COG-nit-a and not terra in-cog-NIT-a? Me either…). I dipped below it when we did this 5 years ago, but it was a short visit. When I was working on my Master’s at SFA I lost a bunch of weight to get down to 300, but that didn’t even last until I graduated in ’89. So it’s very likely — and it’s ambiguous for reasons stated in my digression above — that I’m now “down” to the weight I’ve most often been in my life.
So the question on the table now is, simply, where to go from here? BMI tells me that I should be between 150 and 200, but that is just bullshit. I said 270 when I started this (because I had to give them some number) and that’s what the body composition analysis suggested when we did it on the cruise in November. But in the back of my mind, I’ve wondered if that’s really the right weight either. This website is extremely interesting. A Canadian M.D. who also wrote Mac software in the early days of the Mac. What’s not to love? I draw your attention to this discussion of “ideal weight.” Throw in the parameters for me (age 44, 6′ 4″, 352) and what do you know? 271 is the weight that pops back. But then you read the part that says that men tend to overestimate what weight is actually healthy, and I’ve picked a weight that others who weigh as much as I do tend to pick. Since I tend to hold the collective opinions of others in contempt (it’s a gift), that means it’s not where I’m stopping.
So for now I’ll say 250, but the answer really is that I’ll get to 270 and worry about it then. It’s not aesthetics I’m after (hell, I’m thrilled now), but quality of life. I’d hate to stop just short of getting it right.
But that’s in the future. For now, it’s keep plugging away.
And that’s that.